I'M TRYING. OKAY?! I'M TRYING MY FUCKING BEST.
Look guys I am going to talk about fantasy football/bro role-playing (brole-play) for a few seconds, and ain’t nothin’ you can do about it
Caralin’s cat is super intent on licking my hand, and I can’t tell if it’s showing affection, trying to clean me, or if multiple failed attempts at biting into my hand have given the cat the idea that it first needs to break me down with its saliva like I’m a gotdang human Jawbreaker before it can consume me.
I really hope I become famous and inspire a hacker to dig up my old MySpace photos, because right now there’s only ~3 known photos of Ponytail Bob, and while I don’t WANT them to surface, I think the world should know.
TRENDING BREAKING NEWS: a pop song sounds like other pop songs
Ice bucket challenge has been brought to my family and my workplace. I am not liked enough to be challenged, but just in case, I’m gonna write enough material to make a video at least an hour long so as to waste everyone’s time.
one time i learned all the words to a rap song, is that cultural appropriation
As a fantasy football player who drafted Zac Stacy in one league, I of course named my team in that league ♥♥♥ Stacy’s Mom ♥♥♥. Now, ♥♥♥ Stacy’s Mom ♥♥♥ isn’t a terribly original team name, as evidenced by the fact that “Zac Stacy’s Mom” is the third-most searched-for term on Google when you type in “Zac Stacy,” but performing that Google search allowed me to learn that a picture of Christina Hendricks is the fourth-most relevant result for that search, which I choose to accept as canon.
OH MY STARS I JUST REALIZED THAT “GO HAM” DERIVED FROM “GO HOG WILD”
So I didn’t go to preschool. “He’s too smart!” my parents said, “He doesn’t need any of this!”
And then they put me in Kindergarten when I had just turned five, like, I turned five two weeks before school started. “He’s so smart!” they said, “He’d just waste his time sitting at home! He’s ready to get after it!”
NO I FUCKING WASN’T. I WAS A YEAR YOUNGER THAN EVERYONE ELSE, AND EVERYONE ELSE HAD ESTABLISHED PEER RELATIONSHIPS IN FUCKING PRESCHOOL. THANKS. THANKS FOR ALL THAT, YOU MORONS.
Pretty sure I didn’t have allergies until my parents said, “Well, he’ll skip preschool and enter Kindergarten super early!” Like, when that happened, my body was like, fuck it, they wanna raise a nerd, WE’LL GIVE THEM A FUCKING NERD. WE WILL GO HOG GODDAMN WILD ON THE NERD FRONT.
AND ANOTHER THING. ENOUGH ABOUT GETTING YOUR THREE-YEAR-OLD INTO A “GOOD PRESCHOOL.” Fuck. That is a problem exclusively reserved for your upper-class asses, TV writers. I didn’t even fucking go to preschool, because I’m a normal fucking human being and I was zoned into the crap-ass public elementary school I went to because I was the son of a retail associate and gas station assistant manager. This is a worry that literally no one who makes less than $500,000 a year has.
"Oh, no, if my kid doesn’t get into the right preschool, it’ll never get into Stanford!" YOUR KID’S NOT GOING TO GO TO STANFORD BECAUSE
A) YOU DIDN’T GO TO STANFORD, AND
B) IF YOU DIDN’T GO TO STANFORD, THEN YOUR KID HAS TO BE AN INTELLECTUAL OR ATHLETIC ELITE. THERE IS LITERALLY A 1% CHANCE OF ANY KID BEING IN THE TOP 1%. YOUR KID IS GOING TO GO TO A SCHOOL OF ILL REPUTE AND SPEND ITS TIME THERE DEBATING BUD LITE LIME LIME-A-RITA VS. BUD LITE LIME RAZZ-BRRR-ITA. DEAL. FUCKING. DEAL.
I’m just going to go back to last night’s post: hey, TV writers? Fucking enough with the “maybe we can’t get pregnant?” storylines. “Well, maybe she’s barren!” No, she’s going to go to the doctor, often without her husband knowing, and the doctor will say she is literally just all eggs. “Well, maybe he’s sterile!” No, HE’S going to go to the doctor, often while feeling very insecure about his masculinity, and the doctor will say that his penis is made out of semen and that he could get statues pregnant. A baby is going to be goddamn had. There is absolutely no reason to fear infertility or sterility because this is a network fucking TV show that isn’t Friday Night Lights and those words don’t exist.