I Am 24 and Have Opinions!

I'M TRYING. OKAY?! I'M TRYING MY FUCKING BEST.

Sep 19

Another Talk Like a Pirate Day, another year wasted not learning Somali. Sigh. I’ll get ‘em next year.


Hey, CBS is committing itself to Supergirl! This could go the way of NBC and David E. Kelley’s Wonder Woman, you never know what’s going to happen, but look at that! CBS, which has been airing CSINCIS, and Two and a Half Men for the past ten years, beat every single fucking network and movie studio to a thing centered around a female superhero.

CBS.


I do think Kevin Smith could have been a great filmmaker if he wanted to; no one completely without talent makes Clerks. I just think the world failed in giving Kevin Smith motivation to do anything other than what he wants to do. I mean, shit, people like it, so what the fuck do I care? He’s going to make his movies for the same batch of n million people who loved the last 10, but man, wouldn’t it have been great to live in a world where Kevin Smith was motivated to give the world something other than fan service?


I used to be a staunch defender of Kevin Smith. I also used to be a teenage boy, but, listen, this is a coming-of-age tumblr post. I realized Kevin Smith wasn’t worth my time about 2/3 of the way through Zack and Miri Make a Porno. When shooting a scene for the porno, Zack and Miri realize that they are not having sex, that they were never capable of just having sex, they’re finally making love, and it’s this beautiful, terrifying moment for both of them. And then. They just. Fucking. Cut to the peanut gallery because Kevin Smith is afraid of emotions. I don’t remember if the any character outright said the moment was “fucking gay,” but that was the tenor struck by the cut, the director calling a real moment of humanity fucking gay and something to be mocked.


Sep 18

For some reason, my phone keeps auto-correcting you to YOU, so I’m pretty sure my phone is haunted by the spirit of Soulja Boy Tell’em, which is why I’ve named my phone Soulja Boy Call’em.


Sep 17

Looking for some fantasy football waiver wire tips?! A lot goes into selecting the right player to pick up, so let me help you out!

RB: It’s all about three things: YPC, playing time, and the match-up. If all else fails, grab yourself a goal-line back and hope he can vulture!
DEF: It’s all about the match-ups here, people. If the team playing the Jaguars or Raiders is on the wire, GRAB ‘EM!
K: It’s all about finding a name you like and sticking to it. My sure bet pick-up this week is Arizona’s Chandler Catanzaro because he shares a name with one of the friends from Friends!


Sep 16

New favorite Wikipedia sentence: This system was called “Mario in Real-Time” or “MIRT”. 

There’s no way this is a real thing. It’s a very clever edit, it almost looks real until you get to MIRT and you realize that nothing would ever be called MIRT. They would find a new acronym beore they called it MIRT.


Charles Martinet is immensely rich for going to a recording studio once every 6-7 months and shouting “Woo-hoo!” and “Yeh!” for thirty minutes.


Oh, also, I thought the hokey-ass voice-over they used to translate the Japanese competitors’ profiles and post-run interviews was the worst. And then I heard the Italian accent they used for Ghestafi’s profile. That was the hokiest, “make-a da pizza!”est accent they could have possibly found. Like, short of hiring Chalres Martinet to do the voice-over, I’m not sure they could’ve done worse.


Also, Japan? Japan. I don’t know who determines the make-up of Team Japan, if it’s TBS or whoever, but y’all need to get your shit together. Stop sending Yamamoto Shingo. He had such troubles with the Shin-Sasuke course, and it’s ridiculous that you keep making him run it. Like, I get that you need a veteran competitor, but why not Takahashi Kenji? (Or, if you insist on making it an All-Star, send fuckin’ Nagano! At least he’s reached the Third Stage in the last five tournaments!)

(I also wish the ANW broadcast made it clear that the reason the Japanese competitors have trouble with the early stages is because they are training for completely different obstacles. The course has been redesigned since the last time the Americans visited Mt. Midoriyama. They did pay homage to the Crazy Cliff Hanger, at least, which was neat, and I hope the American version lasts long enough to implement it. That shit is crazy. (Also, they struggled through the Rope Jungle because they are all much shorter than the American competitors for whom the obstacle was so obviously built.))

Honestly, Team Japan could just be Matachi and Morimoto, and they would be set. Make Nagano the captain, bring Kawaguchi Tomohiro because you need a fourth and he seems capable, and have Takahashi fill the role of Crazy Guy. Asa needs to be left the fuck home next time. Asa cares waaaaaaay too much. Like, that passion is delightful on Sasuke! It’s a damn liability in international competition.

Hello I am Bob I have opinions on silly obstacle course shows and have intimate knowledge of their athletes.


Look, I’m not about to buy an American flag or anything, but if you ask me, it’s bullshit that Team USA lost to a European team whose French dude whose last name is fucking McColl (just doesn’t get more French than that!) who represents goddamned CANADA in international climbing competition.

JUST CALL THEM TEAM WHITE PEOPLE WHO AREN’T AMERICAN. OKAY? BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT THEY ARE.

I did like how the Finnish dude got to run stage one and then was never mentioned again. I bet he was happy with that.

I’m talking about American Ninja Warrior: USA vs. The World btw


Alright, well I’m gonna take a shower, I can’t wait to see y’all’s Elton John goofs.


Well, it seems to me yo’ momma lived like a candle in the wind: yo’ momma blew me long before your sister ever did.


Given the subject matter and tone of the song, you’d think that there’d be a better title for “Candle in the Wind 1997” than “Candle in the Wind 1997.” That song just sounds like the dance remix ft./Sisqo. “CANDLE IN THE WIND ‘97, HOMES! IT’S GOIN’ DOOOOOOOOOWN TOOOOOOOOOWN! GOODBYE, YOUR PANTIES, THOUGH WE NEV


“The 1991 film documentary Two Rooms described the John/Taupin writing style, which involves Taupin writing the lyrics on his own and John then putting them to music, with no further interaction between the two.” I take this to mean that Elton John will just be at home, living his life, and then he’ll hear a soft thud from behind, turn around, and see Bernie Taupin staring stoically at a pile of papers. He lingers for like two seconds, then leaves, and Elton John just sighs and goes, “I’ll get to this shit later.”

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